


The Best I Can

by ShadowHaloedAngel



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Backstory, Clubbing, Debbie is a mess, F/F, Fights, Friends to Lovers, I Love You, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Internalized Homophobia, Lovers to partners?, Misogyny, Possibly a bit, Pre-Canon, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, except they're already lovers?, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 07:58:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17556401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowHaloedAngel/pseuds/ShadowHaloedAngel
Summary: This isn't about how they met, but it is about how they got together. It's not a first time, or a first kiss, but it is the first time they admitted something and the way partners came to mean something more than work."Let's go out."It's a normal request, but at the same time, somehow Lou knows something is wrong.





	The Best I Can

"Let's go out."

"What?"

Lou looks up from the couch, one eyebrow raised as she tries to stop her lips twitching into a smile. Debbie's leaning against the doorframe, and Lou takes a moment to admire the lines of her body. There is no denying the fact that Debbie Ocean has a body to die for. There's also no denying the fact that Lou's admiration for it goes a little beyond the purely aesthetic. 

She's still not sure what to call this thing between them. Whatever it is, it works, but it's undeniably messy at times, and Lou has a feeling that tonight is going to be one of the messy ones. They're not friends, not really, they've never been friends. They're partners, and that is so much more fundamental. They're partners who have each other's backs and trust each other with their lives and who fuck sometimes. That's all it is, really. Sometimes Lou finds herself ignoring the ache in her chest that says she wants more, because this is what's on offer, and it's too good to miss out on. It's not that she's a secret, no, they make little effort to hide what's between them, and Lou's been girls' dirty little secret before. She accepted long ago that she would far rather be Debbie Ocean's dirty little secret than someone else's girlfriend, and the fact that Debbie didn't ask her to was a bonus, really. 

Whatever this is now, though, there's something in the air that says tonight is not going to be simple. 

"I said, let's go out."

"...Any particular reason? We've got money for the week."

"I want to go dancing. That's all."

That's not all. There's something simmering in the air that Lou doesn't recognise, and something uncomfortably sharp and slightly unnatural about the forced casualness of Debbie's pose and the lightness in her tone. 

"You have anywhere in mind?"

And Debbie shrugs. 

"Anywhere. Somewhere with rich men who'll buy us drinks all night?"

Honestly, Lou is pretty comfortable at home. She's never really been a fan of winter, but something tells her that if she doesn't say yes, Debbie is going to go anyway, and there's some sixth sense warning Lou against letting her go alone right now, something about Debbie which is setting off every alarm bell she has, even if she doesn't know why. 

So she sets her book aside and stands up, trying for a smile she doesn't feel as she catches Debbie's hands. 

"Okay honey, let's go out."

***

Getting ready isn't necessarily a quick undertaking, but it's usually faster for Lou than for Debbie. Lou lives in her grunge look most of the time anyway, there's not usually an awful lot of refinement needed to be ready to go out. She washes her face and touches up her makeup, adding a scarf on top of her necklaces, making sure that everything's hanging just right in the neckline of her waistcoat, making sure that eyes will be drawn just where she wants them to be. She hesitates over a spray of perfume, but tonight feels like a night where she'll need all the help she can get, and one more tool in her arsenal isn't going to do any harm. 

When she's ready, she goes to look for Debbie. 

Debbie's wearing her shortest dress, the one that barely comes to mid-thigh, with a neckline that plunges halfway down her ribs and comes up in a halter, with no back. It's a dress that has its uses, and one which Lou has plenty of memories of, some fond, and some... less so. Her hair is a perfect perfumed mane, tumbling down as if to make up for the lack of fabric, but her shoulderblades are playing peekaboo and there's no denying the intoxicating line of her back disappearing beneath the fabric that hugs the curve of her ass. Her lips are plush and bright red, her eyes smokey, and Lou can smell her perfume in the air. This is not 'just going out', and Lou is just a little bit off-balance. Debbie likes attention, and she's masterful at controlling it, but this is asking for it in a lot of ways that Lou feels might be uncontrollable. She's never been that fond of the word 'slut'. It has its place, sure, in the bedroom occasionally between mutually consenting partners, but the idea that women should be shamed for their sexuality is something that's never sat well with Lou, but her morals around that are conflicting with the fact that Debbie dressed up like this for something that isn't a job is jarring. 

Even for jobs she's usually... got a little more mystery, whether it's in the form of stockings or lace panels, because it's the mystery that entices and captivates and lets her play games. There's not a lot of mystery here, and Lou realises that what's throwing her more than anything is the fact that Debbie Ocean, the effortless queen of elegant style, even on a budget, looks... cheap.

Lou strives to keep her face neutral, but she isn't sure she succeeds as she offers a tight smile. 

"I hope you're putting a jacket over that. The clubs may be hot but we've got to get there first, and January in New York is not kind."

Debbie glances up through her hair and Lou rests a hand on the small of her back instinctively, savouring the warmth of her skin, hoping the physical connection might help bridge the gulf she could feel between them all of a sudden because she didn't understand where it had come from, or know how to fix it. This close she can smell Debbie underneath the perfume, feel the warmth radiating from her bare skin through the fabric of her t-shirt... but it's not enough. 

"Don't worry. I have a coat."

"...Okay."

Lou brushes a chaste kiss behind Debbie's ear and steps away because it hurts to be that close to someone so closed off and she doesn't know what she's done, if this is even something she /has/ done, to get Debbie like this. 

***

The club is busy, packed and loud and sweaty, and easy to get lost in. Lou is starting to wonder whether that's exactly what Debbie's aiming for. They don't usually stick that close to each other in a place like this, dissociation is how they work best, but almost as soon as they were through the door Debbie disappeared into the crowd. Lou's pretty sure she won't be hard to find if necessary though. Debbie Ocean has a way of capturing attention, even when she isn't dressed like that.

Now that they're here, she's not about to waste an opportunity, and so she starts sizing up marks. There's hardly a shortage of them, and Lou mentally shrugs, setting her sights because she may as well try to earn some money out of this fit of Debbie's. It never does any harm to have a bigger cushion, and they don't know if or when opportunities might dry up. They've been comfortable for a while now, but Lou isn't comfortable with comfortable just yet.

After a few abortive attempts at flirting someone up, Lou decides to focus just on pickpocketing. It's easy in a place like this, and although it would be easier if she could get close to people... she can't turn off her awareness of Debbie. It's not usually like this. Usually they have a sense of where each other is so they can intervene if a situation is going sour, or back each other up but tonight... everything about Debbie is grating on her senses like nails on a chalkboard and nothing she's trying to ignore it is working. 

It takes her a moment to realise that someone's watching her, and she just about manages not to jump out of her skin when she notices the brunette watching her. This isn't Debbie, doesn't look that much like Debbie either. Her eyes are green, and her hair is a couple of shades lighter than Debbie's chestnut mane. She only comes up about as high as Lou's shoulder, but there's a smile dancing on her lips. This one doesn't have the measure of hunger in it that she's become accustomed to, rather, amusement, and that's a refreshing change to be honest. Being ogled in clubs is something Lou can put up with as part of the job, but tonight isn't work and she's tired of it all already. 

"Do I know you?"

"No. Lucky for you I don't know you either... but I'd like to?"

"Is that so?"

Lou isn't looking for a job, but part of the reason why is that... well, it's too much like work. Someone talking to her first? Someone looking at her eyes and making the first move? That's not that much work after all. And she can't just spend the whole evening obsessing over Debbie. That's not how their relationship works, and besides, it will only be boring and depressing by turns. She smiles a little. 

"It is. Think you might like to know me?"

"Now how could I pass up an opportunity like that?"

"I'm sure you'd find a way if you really wanted to, but how about I just buy you a drink and we see where the evening takes us?"

"You're doing pretty well at turning this into an offer I can't refuse..."

"Well I do try..."

Lou's attention flicks across the bar for a moment, to where Debbie is perched on a stool in her too-short dress, leaning in close to pick some imaginary lint off a guy's lapel. 

She turns her attention back to the curvy brunette and amps up her most brilliant smile. 

"...It would be my pleasure."

"Well, hopefully it'll be of mutual benefit... what'll you have?"

Usually, she likes bourbon. Top shelf, especially in places like this when someone else is paying, but bourbon is for sipping and enjoying, and Lou isn't feeling like that right now. Besides, the row of empty glasses in front of Debbie is growing, and she can see them looping their wrists together to take two more simultaneous tequila shots. Fuck that. Lou's not about to be left behind. If Debbie wants to get herself into a mess, then she can clean up the consequences herself for once. Lou doesn't mind doing a little caretaking when things get sloppy in the line of duty, because she knows Debbie exerts a whole different attraction over a whole different crowd of people, and so more often than not Debbie is the honey in the trap. This is entirely self-inflicted, and Lou wouldn't quite call it vengeful, but this definitely feels like a chance to get her own back. 

"Vodka, please. Stoli. On the rocks."

The woman orders, her sapphire blue dress hugging every curve and setting off her complexion perfectly. It's matched with gold jewellery, nothing too big or showy, but elegant pieces that take the chill off the whole outfit. She pays with a fifty and puts the rest in the tip jar and Lou just about manages to keep her face straight. 

Pretty soon there are two glasses up on the bar, both filled with ice and vodka. 

The woman winks as she picks hers up, and the clink they make is almost musical as the ice adds its own harmonics.

Lou throws it back in one shot and the burn is smooth and welcome, all the way down her throat to her stomach, doing its bit to ease the twinge in her heart on its way past. 

"Mmmn... thank you. You got a name?"

"Kathryn. But don't I get to ask you first, since I bought the drinks?"

Lou grins and sets her glass back on the bar. She doesn't even feel the urge to glance over at Debbie right now. This is turning out to be rather fun. 

"Cate."

"Well... what a pair we make."

"Seems so..."

"Well Cate..." There's an inflection to it somehow, a tone that says Kathryn knows it's not her real name, but that right now it doesn't matter, a tone that matches the smile that hasn't stopped dancing on plush pink lips, "... it's a little cliche, I know, but do you come here often?"

"Not so much... but I suppose with proper incentives that might change?"

It's a game. It's all a game, all the time and always, but this time the stakes don't feel nearly as high. This isn't risking safety or freedom, not really, this is just... refreshing. What flirting must feel like for regular people. It's nice to be able to play without second-guessing everything she says because sometimes with Debbie it can feel like walking on eggshells because this thing between them is so amorphous and undefined. 

"How could I pass up an offer like that? In the meantime... how about another drink while we negotiate terms?"

"I think I could agree to that..."

Kathryn's smile is so bright it's almost luminous as she turns back to the bartender and sets down another fifty. 

"...Same again?"

And Lou nods. 

***

They're on their third vodka when a slight commotion on the other side of the bar grabs Lou's attention. 

"What the hell, bitch?!"

It's the guy Debbie was flirting with, and as far as Lou can tell from here it looks like Debbie just threw a drink over him. She frowns a little, taking in everything she can about the scene, because that's... not Debbie. Not unless it needs to be. She can cause a scene with the best of them when it's needed, but it's always calculated, always part of a plan, and this... nothing about this was planned. 

The man is towering over her, looking threatening, and Debbie is still perched delicately on her stool and Lou doesn't think she's ever seen her look this small before. 

"What the fuck did you do that for? You think you're too good for me or something, dressed up like some cheap slut? All I'm doing is showing you a good time, you're practically gagging for it dressed like that!"

Lou's blood feels like ice in her veins and she can see the light glinting off tears in Debbie's eyes from here and Debbie /never/ cries. She sets her jaw, and feels a hand on her wrist, glancing up in surprise to see Kathryn. She'd almost forgotten she was there at all. 

Kathryn nods across the bar. 

"Friend of yours? Or do you always jump in to save a damsel in distress."

"Friend. I'll see you around?"

The playful smile is a little more enigmatic this time as Kathryn shrugs one shoulder and releases Lou's wrist, pulling her own hand back. 

"I hope so. Don't do anything I wouldn't do..."

Lou doesn't pay an awful lot of attention to her parting words, heading around the bar at a jog because the floor is too congested for the dead run she wants, and she squares up next to Debbie, getting her body between the two of them, one hand on Debbie's arm to let her know she's not alone, the other balled into a fist. Debbie can't even look up now, staring fixedly at the floor, and Lou feels like she could breathe fire. 

When she speaks her voice is surprisingly calm, and it doesn't shake at all. 

"Is there a problem here?"

"This bitch is willing to take my drinks all night but the second I try to move things forward a little bit she freezes up and decides to throw a fucking drink on me! This is wool!"

"This lady has the right to change her mind, and these days a drink doesn't form any kind of obligation. I suggest you calm down before this starts to get messy."

Lou is surprised and grateful when the man splutters for a moment, then sneers and storms away. She'd been half-expecting him to start on her. Men didn't like her as a rule. She was a little too much like competition. 

When she's sure he's not coming back, she shifts her attention back to Debbie, taking her hand, and ducking down when Debbie doesn't respond to try to get in her eyeline. Debbie's shaking a little, and Lou's not sure whether it's shock or cold but right now it doesn't matter so much. She straightens up and takes one look around at the rest of the crowd who are already starting to move on now that the show seems to be over. 

Lou sighs and squeezes Debbie's hand gently. 

"...Home?"

Debbie nods mutely, and Lou rests a hand on the small of her back all the way back to the cloakroom. They're just waiting for their things when Kathryn appears out of nowhere again, still all smiles. 

"Leaving so soon?"

"Unfortunately. You can blame that asshole for cutting the party short."

"Oh, I do. Get home safe Cate. It was nice meeting you."

She offers her hand for Lou to shake, and despite herself Lou takes it, though it feels oddly formal. She blinks a little at the familiar feeling of money against her palm and tries to offer it back as Kathryn pulls away, leaving her holding yet another crisp bill. 

"For the cab home. Adieu."

And before Lou can say anything else, Kathryn has melted back into the crowd, and Debbie is absolutely enveloped in her big black coat next to Lou. She blinks a few times, then once more reaches for Debbie's hand. 

"C'mon. We'll get a cab."

"We can't afford a cab."

"We can now."

***

Debbie is uncharacteristically quiet on the cab ride back to their little apartment, and Lou's not exactly feeling in the mood to keep the conversation going. Whatever there is to be said - and there's a lot at this point - isn't the kind of thing to talk about in public, and as far as they're concerned, the cab driver still counts. That's one of the lessons Debbie taught her early on. When it comes to private conversations, the people others don't see as people still count, so you never discuss a job until you're somewhere safe. Over time it's just become an unspoken understanding that anything that really needs to be said can wait. 

The cab pulls up and Lou leans forward to hand the fifty over. 

"Keep the change."

The cabbie acknowledges her with a nod, and Lou grabs Debbie's hand and pulls her out after her, heading for the stairs and back up to the little place they call home. 

She sits Debbie down on the couch and combs her fingers back through her messy platinum hair, hands on her hips, leather jacket rolled up to her elbows, and she knows she should sit down, she knows that whatever this is, towering over Debbie isn't going to help, but there's too much adrenaline in her system so she settles for pacing instead. 

Debbie sits there mutely until Lou finally comes to a stop in front of her. 

"...Okay. Just what the hell was all that about?"

"I don't-"

"Don't bullshit me right now, Deb."

The Ocean flinches and takes a deep breath, fingers twisting in the fabric of her skirt, and she's staring at the floor again.

"Look at me."

Debbie looks up and there's a fire of defiance in her eyes that Lou recognises, but it's fragile. 

"What the fuck, Deb?"

"...I just wanted to go out, that's all."

"No. Try again."

"I just... I didn't want to think... I thought... I wanted something to block it out."

"And just what were you trying to avoid thinking about? Because avoidance has never exactly worked out well, has it."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does fucking matter, Debbie, because it almost got you in a lot of trouble and you aren't acting like yourself. If you don't have your shit together we cannot do what we do, so you need to stop bullshitting and start talking to me. We share everything. You've told me everything before, so what the hell is wrong with you that you can't do that this time?"

Debbie's staring at the floor again, so Lou crouches to get in her eyeline, not willing to let the Ocean off so easily. Whatever this is isn't something they can just sweep under the rug. 

"...Fine. Sure. Make this hard. I've got nothing but time, Deb. What is this about? Is it family?"

"No."

"Okay, good. That's something ruled out then. Business?"

"...No."

The little hesitation there makes Lou's heart rise in her throat a little bit. It's a tell, and Debbie Ocean doesn't have tells, except when it comes to Lou Miller when for some reason she can't hide anything at all. It's starting to dawn on her that there might be a very good reason why whatever is under Debbie's skin right now isn't something she wanted to talk about with Lou, but they're both too far down the rabbit hole to turn back now. Lou's starting to dread the words 'it's not you, it's me', but she doesn't feel like putting off the inevitable any longer than necessary. 

"Is it me?"

This time Debbie doesn't say anything at all, and Lou can't quite bite back a curse. 

"Fine. It's me. What is it about me that's got you like this? Have I fucked up? Do I need to apologise? Because you know I don't play games. If I owe you an apology you need to tell me what for."

"You don't owe me an apology."

"Then what the fuck is it? Do you want me to leave or something? Are you tired of me?"

She spits the words in an attempt to get the poison out of her system as fast as possible, and it feels like she's been waiting for this moment, like the shadow's been growing over her since she first bumped into Debbie Ocean in a club just like the one they were both in, like the sword of Damocles has been hanging over her head because it was /always/ going to end like this, and just because she knew it was coming it doesn't mean she has to like it.

"No! God no, Lou... it's nothing like that..."

"Well then what is it, Deborah? Because I'm not fucking psychic."

Debbie's knuckles are white where her hands are twisting in her skirt and she bursts out.

"Because I love you, okay?"

Lou stumbles back a little, physically knocked off balance because that was not at all how she was expecting this to go, and fuck, she needs to say something, anything, because she can't just leave that unanswered. 

"...What?"

"I said I love you. And I'm sorry. I've been trying not to. I've been trying... I've been trying not to, trying to wait it out, but it's not going away and it's fucking terrifying."

Lou lets out a laugh that's harsher than she intended, so harsh it aches in her ribs and burns in her throat and she's trying to remember how to breathe. This is... so far from what she was expecting that she has to pinch herself, just to make sure it's real. Ow. Okay. So this is actually real. 

"...Is the thought of loving me that scary?"

"No! No it's not... that... I... You're... perfect. And that's part of what scares me. Lou I've... I've always known I was bi, but because... of everything I guess I never thought I'd settle down and if I did I assumed it would be... with a guy and so I didn't want that because I saw how the men in my family treated women and thought about women even the ones they claimed to love and I... I didn't want that. And then I met you and being with you was just so /easy/ and I didn't have to think about anything or second guess you and you were always there and it was just... natural... but we weren't... aren't... I can't fuck this up, Lou. I can't do this without you and if I love you then... everything's just going to go wrong because that's what my family does, we break things and hurt people we love."

There's silence for a long moment as Lou processes all of that, and when she finally speaks again, it's much more softly. 

"...So what happened at the club?"

Debbie throws her head back to stare at the ceiling, letting out a heavy, exasperated sigh. Lou supposes at least it makes a change from staring at the floor.

"...I thought... I don't know. I thought if I... if I went out and got a man... and just... fucked, just... really fucked, so hard I couldn't think then I would... be able to stop thinking about you."

"...You were trying to fuck yourself straight?"

"I didn't say it was a /good/ plan."

"I think the word plan might be a little on the generous side."

Debbie laughs a little despite herself and Lou feels a little bit of the tension dissipate. 

"...I'm sorry. I just... well. It didn't work. I didn't... feel right doing it anyway. I couldn't... it wasn't like a job. I just felt... on edge, the whole time, but I'm... I can work with that, sometimes it's necessary, just... being able to ignore those feelings and squash them down and then he grabbed me and I just... panicked. I just... couldn't anymore. It was exactly what I'd set out to do and I just... couldn't. And now... well, now I've told you, so we can't even go back to how things were before because you know. And I guess that's not the kind of thing you can unhear."

"Why would I want to unhear it?"

"Because it messes us up. I'm not... relationship material. I think I demonstrated that quite nicely tonight. And you... well. Anybody would be lucky to have you. You're... incredible. You're gorgeous and fearless and /kind/ and I'm... a neurotic, chaotic mess. All being close to me is going to do is hurt you."

"One of the reasons we work so well together is that you need someone to pull you out of your own head. You... get stuck there a lot. You overthink things a lot. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to plans, that's invaluable. The jobs you come up with... nobody else could, and they work. When it comes to personal stuff though, you're... not. The best thing about me is that I know that already. I know you because you let me in when you weren't thinking and the walls between us don't exist and that's... terrifying. But it's liberating too, for me at least. The thought of finding someone else who might know me like you do is exhausting and frankly it seems impossible. We've been fucking for months, and every time I see stars and honestly... I wouldn't have known how to answer the question if someone asked me if I loved you. I just know you're a part of my life and it's working so far and honestly now you say it... I do love you."

The revelation stuns Lou as much as Debbie, but she squares her shoulders and tilts her head, the challenge glinting in her eyes. 

"I love you, Deborah Ocean. So what are you going to do about it?"

And before she can move, Debbie is on her feet and kissing her like air and clever hands are tugging at her shirt, but Lou catches her wrists and eases them back because heat is familiar, and heat is great, but this needs to not be about heat because heat is what got Debbie in that mess at the club and honestly Lou does not ever want to see her that scared again. The adrenaline is still in the air, still in their blood, honestly it's been there all night, and so they have to tread carefully because this is so very very new and a whole different level of fragile.

The kiss breaks and their foreheads are resting together as Lou pants for breath and Debbie's voice cracks as she breathes. 

"...The best I can."

And Lou squeezes the hands she's still holding, because honestly at this moment, it feels like it might just be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Lou is channelling her inner Lorraine Broughton in the middle. I am not sorry.


End file.
